I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
