The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
