glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
