I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
