mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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