Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
