A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
