I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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