my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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