my sisters under your porch take her home
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
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