We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
