So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
