I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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