i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
