billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
