I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
