It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
