I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
