I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
