Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
