I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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