I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
