thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
