It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
