sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
