Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
