i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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