there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
