I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
