I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
