I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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