I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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