"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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