Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
