does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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