Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
My ATM looks so different sober.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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