Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I faked an abortion last night.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
