3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
do nipples grow back?
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