Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Can I color on your dick again?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
