The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
