The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just gargled with NyQuil
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
