dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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