I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Randomize
