she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
