he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
