Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
