Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
