Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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