maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
