i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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